Roots to Fruits

Meet, eat and shop Saturday October 23rd 2010

2010-10-06T18:26:00.000+01:00

Roots to Fruits in association with Aurora cordially invite you to an exclusive viewing of stunning lamps and artwork. Each lamp and painting is hand made, unique and reasonably priced.

Not only will the lamps be discounted but, 10% of the proceeds will be donated to the roots to fruits charity. See the attached for an example of items in the collection. Like every other roots to fruits event, there will be good company, something to eat and drink. In addition to this there be a raffle for a piece of original artwork on the day.

The lighting ranges comprise of a distinctive glass and subtle resin styles of hand made, artistically produced natural products. Each piece is an individual as you are – hand made by a team of artists. The range is made available exclusively to you by the importer. The range includes dot paintings which are individually unique.

Pop along to show your support, be inspired, for a chat or to pick up that unique discounted gift item in time for Christmas or just because you deserve it.

Contact rootstofruits@gmail.com for further information

About Us - Why we exist - Ryan's Story

2010-10-06T18:02:00.000+01:00

Ryan is a 19 year old of African-Caribbean parentage, he lives with his mother on a social housing estate in South London, Ryan does not have contact with his Dad. Ryan was (not in employment education or training, last year but he is now attending college where he is completing a carpentry course. When asked to pinpoint the events that have had a bearing on his life thus far. Ryan immediately mentions his permanent exclusion from school in year nine. The events leading up to his exclusion began in year seven, when Ryan went to a school which unbeknown to his mother was failing. “Suddenly, you were no one, unless you had a rep” (reputation), “so I had to get one and act like a hard guy. Some teachers could see through it, but others couldn’t”, Ryan told me reflectively. “It takes a lot of effort to put on and keep-up an act, so my grades started slipping, partly because of my behaviour but mostly because I was more interested in my image than I was in my lessons.” Ryan shared how he was moved into a new tutor group where he shared lessons with boys interested in their ‘rep’ like he was, “only some of them were much worse”. Ryan believes that all the boys in his tutor group were eventually excluded in the lead up to the school being taken over by a highly successful academy. “Towards the end, I really tried to improve but the head teacher wanted me out, some of the teachers taunted me, and found fault until I was eventually excluded”. The first time Ryan was excluded an independent review held that the school had acted unfairly so they had to take him back. “It only took a few months before they found something else, and I was excluded permanently”.

I could not avoid being what I was because of where I live and where I go to school. There was one learning mentor that believed in me at school but by the time I started seeing him, it was too late. Ryan believes that the tipping point towards lifelong disadvantages happened when he was excluded from school, because being out of school meant that he was hanging around with the “wrong people” he started to get implicated in low level misdemeanours. Ryan knows someone who has been murdered, people who have been sent to prison, A 30 year old who bullies young vulnerable people, sells them drugs and gets them to sell drugs. “Once you know these people, they won’t let you get away”.

Ryan’s wake up call came when an Antisocial Behaviour Order (ASBO) was issued, because young people in the area would hang out, outside his house when his mother was at work and disturb the neighbours. The family narrowly avoided being evicted. “Around that time the ‘hard’ members of a local gang that I trying to avoid because they were reeling me in, were involved in a serious crime, which resulted in the death of a young person, they are in prison now. Now, I can walk anyway in my locality because hostilities between different groups have reduced. I am determined to keep to my self, I have gotten rid of my mobile phone and I don’t answer the house phone, or the door, although things have gotten better, still members of the old group find me. I am at college now but what I would really like is to move completely out of the area with my mother. I just want to get on with the rest of my life now."

This true story is the copyright © of Aston Campbell associates and Myles Ellis Consultancy. If you wish to use this story, please credit the source.

Ryan’s story is not unusual, there are several points on his journey where not for profit organisations working with young people get involved. Ryan’s first introduction to one of these was a learning mentor, but that intervention happened too late. You see the tipping point towards disaster began much earlier then Ryan realises. There are several ‘not for profit’ organisatons, working with young people, like Ryan. Like Prodigals which focus’s on self esteem and values. It operates on the premise that if a young person is provided with tools to inform his/her early choices and values to guide those choices then they are aware of the life paths that their choices can lead and aware of the choices that they can make and the help they can call on when they need it.

How can you help?

There is a point to all this, and that is that your patronage in the form of donations, sponsorship and support will help the community to fund the services to young people 'we' (the board informed by our debates) deem to be important.

What outcomes are we looking for?

We want young people, like Ryan to have equal or better life chances for ‘success’ in comparison to the middle class population of the UK. We want to leave a lasting legacy. At the current trajectory, we, members of the African-Caribbean community are in danger of leaving behind a generation with values and opportunities for growth that are weaker than the values and opportunities we inherited from our parents.

What happens to the money?

The money is managed on our behalf by Capital Community Foundation, click here http://www.rootstofruits.org.uk/rootsfoundation.htm for further information.

How do we decide who gets funded?

The criteria is discussed by the roots to fruits debating group (currently in excess of 50 members) and then the roots to fruits board and given to Capital Community Foundation, who manage the process for us. Decisions for funding are made by the board in association with Capital Community Foundation. Capital community foundation are responsible for monitoring progress and outcomes.

Interested in finding out more?

We meet quarterly for debates, fund raising and networking if you are interested in finding out more, send an email to rootstofruits@gmail.com

Click events, for information related to our next debating or fund raising event

Children and Young People

2009-07-15T00:33:00.011+01:00

Children and Young People

The programmes of intervention for Children and Young People are currently organised under 3 main Priorities

*Understanding

*Transition
*Healing

Understanding
This involves developing an understanding of what is happening with some of our children and young people and why. We begin the process by hosting a series of ‘house debates’ and asking you to contribute to the relevant blogs. http://rootstofruitsorg.blogspot.com/ The outcomes and understandings we arrive at will be written up in a series of short papers. It is our intention to gain understanding from a number of view points and investigate whether the lessons learnt could inform the teaching of subjects in schools like PSHE, Citizenship and SEAL. http://rootstofruitsorg.blogspot.com/2009/03/children-and-young-people.html

Transition
This is about promoting and enhancing young people’s personal, social, emotional, economic health and wellbeing in order to help raise aspirations and educational attainment, self-worth and confidence, empowering them to make positive informed and healthy life choices to succeed in work and life

There is a need not just to work with the young people themselves but to work with their environment. Therefore the Transition priority is further broken down in to 3 strands:-

Young people in transition to independence and adulthood.

The clip below is an example of a transition programme
·

See also: http://www.jumpcharity.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=3&Itemid=22

Parents & Carers of teenagers in transition to adult hood

Professionals and practitioners working directly with strands 1 & 2

This clip demonstrates the concept of producing resources for Practitoners

Healing
This priority is aimed at less than 10% of young people. It is about helping thm, to identify pathways and providing support for them to reposition themselves away from destructive lifestyles so that they can become responsible and respected members of their communities.

The Healing priority currently has 2 strands

*Young people who have a supportive network of family and friends
*Young people who currently do not have a support network around them.

Share your Views

You are invited to contribute towards the shaping of a workable model and its contents. Please use this blog to share your experiences and views.

Debating Society - Relationships

2009-06-11T01:34:00.009+01:00

Summary of the Relationships Debate

Background

On the 5th May 2009, 18 people, 8 men and 10 women gathered to discuss the state of African- Caribbean relationships in the UK. The debate began with the following dialogue.

Male: Expecting monogamy particularly from men is almost futile. The messages we are bombarded with in the 21st century, in the UK are all about self gratification. The thing that a man primarily hunts for is on tap. Different varieties, different flavours, one of his goals is to experience as many as he can, he may occasionally make one of them a mate but that only dulls his need to hunt, it does not eliminate it.

Female: Prior to the emancipation of women, and by that I mean, the pill, equal pay, the ability for women to borrow from the bank in their own right, the lowering of the barriers that prevented women from working in traditionally male dominated roles changed the status of marriage. Prior to that a women needed a man. She did not have a comfortable place in the world without one. Man also needed a woman. To be functional he needed someone to take care of his needs while he hunted and above all he needed sex. Her bargaining tool was her chastity and man had to pay with marriage to a) be seen by society as respectable and b) to own the rights to regular sex. Since emancipation women have also become hunters, they can hunt efficiently for sustenance (salary, credit, consumer goods, status) and they don’t need a man to build a home for them or protect them. They can use the proceeds from their kill to buy that.

Male: Relationship value systems are based on geography. When you look at the French they value the family and will work hard to protect the family unit. Even when the men have extra marital affairs they still protect the family. Look at Holland. It's egalitarian (The word egalitarian is derived from the French word égal, meaning equal, is a political doctrine that holds that all people should be treated as equals), even the State works hard to ensure that the family unit is supported. Apparently they even provide child-care for a month after the child is born, so the mother is helped to recuperate. African and Asian countries have different views on marriage, committed relationships and the family. Could it be that black women are expecting their men to act in ways that are alien to their culture?

Female: Given that so many women no longer ‘need’ a man, other than for companionship, procreation and sexual gratification. Men no longer have a protectionist role, so some fill that void with the thrill of the chase, hunting for sex. Commitment takes hard work and dedication, too few of today’s males have any concept of the permanent feeling of well being that can be found with the right women and the heights you can reach when you have found her, there are few examples in daily life particularly for the up and coming generation. Barak Obama is a classic example of someone who has got it right and look at what he has achieved as a result.

Chair

Over time and across the world there are different models of marriage and committed relationships. Looking at long term commitment specifically, for some it means a contract - i.e.

I do this and you do that in return, for others it's a covenant under God, a life long promise, for certain cultures it's an institution an arrangement between families, for many of us living in Western societies it' about the LUUV thing - it's about self, self gratification. Relationships are formed between two individuals without community or family structures to offer support. The UK has the highest divorce rate in Europe, in Europe marriage is often viewed as a business contract, with fewer of us viewing it as a permanent covenant than ever.

In the UK we are self and consumption oriented, as opposed to a family/collective culture Is our personal happiness more important than anything else?. Is ‘what's in it for us’ more important than what we can do for our families and the wider community? Does it matter that so many families from our community are comprised of single mothers. Is the happiness of the nuclear family, a potential erosion of self when it gets down to it, do we accept the spiral of decline for ourselves and our people or do we fight back beginning with strengthening our personal relationships. Let’s begin the debate…

Responses
1. Society is not declining it is just changing, guys are guys and the emphasis is different
2. As long as women thing they are superior, they will fail
3. Fidelity issues are centuries old
4. We are not in a crisis
5. The role of the man and the woman are interchangeable
6. Women are not stronger than men, they compliment each other
7. Don’t image there is a Utopia, did our parents have it better?
8. I’d love to have a powerful wife
9. Men like a strong woman
10. In the past there wasn’t monogamy, what has changed is the context
11. Women are in a better position than ever, why is it considered a crisis?
12. Don’t emasculate your sons
13. Boys need to be pushed towards education, not just tasks
14. Is the problem men, women or society
15. Can men cope with a strong woman
16. The focus has shifted from children to achievement
17. The main effects are on the children
18. Children are out of hand but the single parent thing is not just a black phenomenon
19. Our moral fibre and values are strongly influenced by the media
20. Loss of family traditions, free for all, no taboo’s
21. What is most important in terms of influence, media peers or family?
22. The government has eroded the power of the parents, e.g. smacking and values
23. The role of the man and the woman are blurred, so where does this leave relationships
24. Now it is about the alpha male and the alpha female. There is an old Jamaican saying’ two bulls can’t reign in one pen.
25. The average black male has so much barriers placed in front of him, he can’t get s job, he gives up, he can’t provide for his family, he moves out.
26. Black men are blocked but they need to be strong enough to kick done the blocks
27. Many young children don’t know their father. Men need to shape up
28. Men are not as mentally strong as women
29. Are black women contributing to the damage by accepting inadequate partners?
30. Many black women are rough with their children, they talk at them but not too them and they don’t listen. When those children grow up and they are on the streets they in turn don’t show any empathy towards their community.

Question to men: what is required to attract and keep a man?

Male 1

· Don’t condemn him or his species
· A women rarely asks her man, what it takes to keep him happy
· It’s not all about looking good, we need challenging conversation
· She needs to be interested in my business
· Spiritual connection
· What ever you a looking for in a relationship, give it first
· Forget the list (weight, height build) look at the person.

Male 2

· Keep something back, we like mystery, don’t completely surrender. Keep him coming back. Keep up the chase
· She should have her own ambitions and interests
· A Man needs to pursue his woman continually

Male 3

· Trust, a woman has to have your back
· Intelligence, I need stimulating conversation
· Don’t embarrass me in public, tell me in private
· Piece of mind, I do not want to come home from a hard days work to a war zone
· Listen to her, pause the football and help her choose between the dresses she is considering
· Wear high heels
· Look good on my arms
· Smell good
· Both partners showing their vulnerable sides

Male 4

· Love forgiveness
· What’s on the inside
· Trust
· Is she there when you fall into a pit
· Forgiveness
· Looks change over the years its not the most important thing
· Reliability
· Be the best that you can be. Don’t try to please some man who does not understand himself

Male 5

· Know me better than I know myself
· Hold back, keep something back, mystery. I am competitive so it keeps me chasing
· Keep the relationship fresh
· Smell Good
· Wit and strength of character
· Able to manipulate others

Male 6

· A relationship is an unwritten psychological contract
· The contract is built on emotions and based on expectations
· 30-40’s is a difficult time to begin a relationship because the other party has lived for a lifetime apart from you forming independent ideas and notions
· No, to mystery, I need to know and understand my partner
· Each relationship has its own unique psychological contract.
· Implicitly I am the head of the house and my wife accepts this.
· Bare her soul so I have full confidence in her
· Is there a common ground for defining love?

Male 7

· Psychological contract/values
· Look after yourself
· Mentally and emotionally connected
· Ask me what I like
· Be physically and mentally attractive
· Take time to find out about each other
· Stimulating conversation, I like to be challenged
· A woman having her own qualities, ambitions, and dreams. E.g. business, creative in the work place.

Male 8

· Strive to understand the opposite sex, then strive to understand the individual, if she is within your range – continue
· Attract me visually
· Make me happy by asking questions
· Relationships move through different stages, romance first, inner person later
· Men are visual, getting them is easy, keeping them is harder
· Go out of your way to make him happy

Question to Women: Do you think the man should be the head of the household?

Answers
1. Responsibility is shared in partnership
2. Yes, we discuss but he has the final say
3. It is shared but I control the finances
4. Yes, but circumstances make me the main bread winner
5. Some women do not accept that the man should be the lead

Open Question, what do you think about mixed relationships?

A little background research:

The report ‘Family formation in multi-cultural Britain: three patterns of diversity’ was introduced. You are advised not to take the report as gospel but to be mindful of the reported trends. The report compares family structures from Asian, Caribbean and White communities living in the UK. The researched found that 48% of Caribbean mothers are single at age 25, compared to 7% of their white counterparts. 78% of black and white women without qualifications are single. 3% of white mothers with ‘A’ level qualifications are single, the figure is 27% for their Caribbean counterparts.

Only 24% of Caribbean mothers have partners from the same heritage. For 48% the father is not present.

50% of Caribbean men are living with or married to a partner.
50% of Caribbean men who are living with or married to a partner, are with partners that are not of Caribbean heritage. This means that 25% of Caribbean males are available for partnership and marriage to Caribbean women and 75% are not.

The remaining 50% of Caribbean men who are not married or living with a partner either do not have the economic means to support a relationship or they are having fun choosing between the potential 75% of Caribbean women who are not in long term relationships.

The paper was written by Richard Berthoud from the University of Essex, the conclusions were contributed by the author. Read the report for yourself……….
http://www.iser.essex.ac.uk/publications/working-papers/iser/2000-34.pdf

Admittedly the group did not have a chance to digest the implications of the report before the debate began. Here are the responses to the question.

Summarised Male responses to mixed relationships

We appreciate beauty in all women. Beauty is beauty. None of the men present had a problem with mixed relationships although some of them would not consider having one.

Female Responses

* 80% of the women had a problem with mixed relationships, they saw it as rejection. When asked if they would consider having a mixed relationship, 90% of the women said no. Reasons given included:-
* They do not find men from other cultures attractive
* It would not be accepted by our family & friends
* They don’t see men from other cultures as potential partners, they are invisible as far as considering relationships are concerned.
* Most of the women had a problem with males having mixed relationships but none of the women had a problem with females having mixed relationships.

Back ground Statistics

· 60% of the women present were single mothers.
· 30% were married and 10% unknown. 66% of the married women where from African and not Caribbean heritage
· 50% of the males present where married or in long term relationships
· 25% of the married males were with a partner from a different heritage.

Question – Do you believe in God?

Response: The majority of the women but their hands up, the majority of the men did not.

Next Steps

Household debates on this subject, and others will continue but you can continue the debate on line. The debate is moderated so keep it clean and inoffensive.
When you respond to something previously written, please make references to the section you are responding to and if relevant the point number or debater reference e.g. ‘male 1’. You are welcome to introduce new but related arguments.If you would like help with constructing your response send your submission to rootstofruits@gmail.com and support will be provided via email.

Children and Young People - Understanding - A View Point

2009-03-08T17:04:00.004Z

Many of us were so concerned about what is happening with our children and young people that we set up the roots to fruits fund to provide interventions from the community by the community. Click here to find out more. In addition to positive action we need to understand the root causes and find interventions and solutions ourselves. So please respond and tell us what you think. Here is an external view, what is your view?

Camila Batmanghelidjh's statement Black women are "hugely responsible" for the family breakdown which fuels crime" reported on the BBC News website is controversial, one could be forgiven for asking why this individual feels she has a right to comment on issues she could not possibly understand. Annoyingly Camila comes with credentials

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camila_Batmanghelidjh. The following paragraph summarises Camila's views.

Put simply emotional detachment or emotional coldness towards the young, causes them to protect themselves. They cannot walk away from their carers but they can 'absent themselves' by shutting down their capacities to feel. The downside is that it also closes the door to a range of positive feelings. According to Alan Schore (1994) normal brain development is inhibited with the shutting down of feelings, so 'shutting down' isn't just psychological it's neurological, i.e. it causes changes in the brain. A key factor in the healthy development of brain function is the quality of care given to a child (love, security, well being, exposure to positive influences), especially prior to the age of three. These first experiences form pro social brain pathways enabling the ability to love and feel empathy. I hope you are with me thus far.
The question we should each ask ourselves is whose children are out there causing havoc in society?

Before we answer, we should not mistake buying children the latest gadgets and dressing them in the latest designer gear as emotional affection, displaying affection in this way serves to create an artificial sense of status. This 'status' is an alternative trading currency that is only recognised within the social group and there is no exchange rate between this and the currencies that build self confidence and prosperity in the rest of the world. The young person's feeling of safety and belonging comes from his or her external image. Strip away the material possessions and you are left with an emotionally under-developed human being who is not equipped to participate in the main stream economy.

Is Camilla right, is the black female responsible for not providing a healthy psychological environment for her children?

Employment

2009-03-08T15:45:00.003Z

This section will embrace employment issues. This first blog is designed to help us to explore some of our own attitudes before we go on to explore our perceptions of the attitudes of others. The blog is presented in the form of a short story, although it is fictitious, it draws from a many true stories which are based on fact.

Alexis chuckled as Michael recounted the story of the cheating student. Michael a Professor at the local University was full of amusing stories about student life. As the meal drew to a close, Alexis looked around the table at her friends. Ralph the retired utility company director, Paula his fashionable young wife, Michael, who was just finishing his story, Glenda his long standing wife and Tom her husband, she looked forward to their regular gatherings. The Babur restaurant in Brockley South London was buzzing with exotic aromas and teaming with life as it did every Sunday evening, it created the perfect ambience for their witty discussions. Alexis looked at her watch and relaxed, she would be home in time for the BBC documentary that she particularly wanted to see.

Mary just finished clearing away after Sunday dinner, the exotic but familiar smells of jerk chicken and rice and peas still hung in the air. It was 7pm and she had not sat down to relax all day. "Nathan have you done your homework, she bellowed up the stairs", there was no response. She glanced resentfully at Phillip her partner as he lay where he had spent most of the day, asleep on the sofa, before returning to the kitchen to add that finishing shine to her new granite worktop. The phone rang and pierced the ambient background noises of the TV and play station video game. She answered the phone, grabbed her cup of tea and walked towards the bedroom, to spend the next hour or so, exchanging frustrations with her friend Glennis.

Mary sat at the Radiotherapy department counter, it was 8.55 on a Monday morning, the hospital smelt as it always did, her seat ergonomically optimised for her comfort as it always was and she wore the bored expression she always had on a Monday morning. The first patients came streaming in. Her job was quite simple really, she took the patients appointment card, checked them in, arranged their notes in order of their arrival, under the correct consultant. What messed up her day was patients arriving without the correct paperwork, patients asking her questions she could not possibly know the answer to, arrogant doctors who believed she should be able to read their minds, the same doctors who told patients to book return appointments for periods where all the available appointments would obviously be gone and Alexis, who was always interfering and trying to change things.

After checking in her first batch of patients Mary sat and contemplated her position. Over the past year she applied for five internal positions but was never successful. She finished her BTEC in Computer Studies three years ago and here she was in the same place, with a job she was growing to resent, especially since Alexis moved Terry who previously worked with her to work in another part of the hospital. She had no idea that, that day was going to produce a defining moment, that would shake her world.

Alexis felt a tinge of frustration, she had been brought in to improve patient services and specifically to improve upon the exit surveys from three departments. She knew that she had to play the waiting game to beat the resistance to change, and she knew that her current strategy would bring about results, but it was frustrating to wait. She smiled as she thought of the advice she received from her friend Ralph who was an experienced change specialist. He was a key player in a large downsizing exercise in the early 90's. he still occasionally worked as a change management consultant. Alexis's focus was on meeting her objectives, she knew that success would put her in a good position to apply for promotion in the pending reorganisation. She completed the feedback report on the newly computerised rota system and emailed it to her line manager. Alexis had cleverly positioned her desk so that she had a view of 2 of her 3 reception areas. From this vantage point, she could clearly see the radiotherapy reception area.

The uneven footsteps grew louder and a well dressed woman in her mid 30's walked in through the open doorway. She clearly had something on her mind as she absently handed Mary a scrappy note, signed by Doctor O'Connor. Mary frowned; here we go again she thought as she looked on the system for the patient’s name, of course it was not there. "I'm sorry" Mary said, not sounding sorry at all. "You are not booked in for an appointment today". "I have a note from Dr O'Connor, clearly asking me to attend his clinic today" she said slowly and quietly. Mary should have recognised the tell tale traits of a woman who was very ill, but she rarely noticed body language. "There is nothing I can do about it, Mary said matter of factly, “you need to go back to Dr O'Connor or your GP to get a proper referral letter”, “Next!" Mary announced deliberately turning to the person who had just joined the queue. The woman leaned against the counter and waited patiently for Mary to process the patient. Mary glared at the woman defiantly as she asked to see Dr O'Connor. "No, he's busy" Mary said barely masking the venom she was feeling towards Dr O'Connor who did not respect appointment systems, how was she supposed to know that the woman would feel that the venom was directly towards her. The woman turned and dragged herself wearily out of the department as Alexis approached the counter hurriedly. "Did you just turn that woman away without referring the matter", she asked? "Look Alexis" Mary blurted sternly but quietly, "I know how to do my job…" A thud followed by a clang of a metal kidney dish falling from a trolley reverberated through the waiting area, interrupting the conversation Alexis and a couple of clinic nurses hurried towards the commotion.

Two hours later, Mary emerged through the main entrance of the hospital, she was suspended. The appointment-less woman had collapsed and was undergoing an emergency operation. How could she win when Alexis had it in for her, always criticising, changing things and giving her a poor mark in her appraisal for patient service?

© Roots to Fruits 25 Feb 2007

Questions

How can we share the lessons that some of us have learnt with people like Mary before she hits crisis point?

Are there communication channels that we can use to share and grow?

Relationships

2009-01-07T22:10:00.009Z

The debate on relationships is warming up.

Find out what transpired during the house debate. A number of 'insights' came to the surface. Just join up the dots and read between the lines. The debate was controversial, enlightening and provokingly interesting. The 8 males and 10 females reasoned way into the night. The write up is longer than we intended but just when you believe you have understood what it is about and where you stand. The background research reveals new insights. And we are confronted with the question, what is most important, individual desires or community? … let the on-line debate begin…. Click here:

http://rootstofruitsorg.blogspot.com/2009/06/debating-society-relationships.html

Read the public blog. This lets you into the collective consciousness of the contributors. Clearly there are differences but a small number of visible but frequently unnoticed themes are beginning to emerge. Read on......

Mr E, has been invited to begin the debate on the subject of relationships, here is what he had to say……….

I am going to express a series of views from a males point of view, me specifically. Needless to say that the views which are based on my observations may well ring true with a number of other fellers!

On the most general level men and women are different and even though I am not a religious man I believe that men and women were made differently because they were meant to be different.

Men and women can look at the same thing and see the said thing differently and if asked to make an assessment based on personal views, they will tend to assess things differently generally coming to different conclusions for the most part taking different criteria into account.

If the above is true which I believe it is, then why don’t men and women work together as opposed to battling between themselves not realising that they are actually on the same side?

Within a relationship many couples break up because of the strife, choosing to live apart even when children are involved because they believe it’s better for all parties that way.

For the young growing up seeing the proliferation of single parents what example are we showing the next generation? Is it good, bad or it just is? If you know better you must do better and show our young people better. Resolve your differences amicably.

My personal view is that we must choose our partners well in the first place. Don’t choose a partner simply because they make you laugh or keep a smile on your face. A smile on your face does not put food on the table or money in the bank or clothes on anyone’s back!

Don’t choose someone solely because they look good on your arm or because they have a good job that pays well; people should choose partners who are rounded individuals who can make you smile at times, tingle other times and who are intelligent with good prospects. Yes it’s nice if they look good to you on the inside or out. It’s good for you to have a balanced meal, try going for a balanced partner. Both of them will give you a warm full content feeling.

If you have a type and you have tried that type from teenager to adult and you find yourself single as an adult, for goodness sake change your type, you might surprise yourself and end up with someone who you love and can spend the rest of your life with.

On a final note if you do find yourself within a relationship, strive for continual improvement of who you are, don’t try to change your partner. Always strive to learn more about the opposite sex and about yourself as a man or woman as neither sex comes with an operations manual. When you learn about your sexual opposite, strive to please them, listen to them twice as much as you speak with them because you were given two ears and one mouth for a reason. If you have issues between you, try forgiveness first because if you choose to battle both of you will get hurt and if any children are listening, they will get hurt as well.

Interesting Facts:

In an argument everybody looses
Whatever you want within a relationship give it first
Don’t go to bed angry sort it out by talking and listening then agreeing
If you show your love if your partner loves you they will show their love
People get what they focus on most of the time so focus on what you want
If you love someone show them that you do and tell them that you do because you are never promised another moment of life

Here are a few very interesting people who have authored some great relationship books and audio presentations:

John Gray – Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venus
Barbara DeAngelis - What Women Want Men to Know \ Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know
Earl Nightingale – The Strangest Secret
Roger Dawson - Secrets of Power Persuasion: Everything You'll Ever Need to Get Anything You'll Ever Want

Normally I would give my 2 pennies worth but this time I have offered a whole pound!!! I would be interested to hear what your thoughts are on the above……..

Rgds

Mr E................................

Emotional Intelligence, is it the missing link?

2009-01-01T13:15:00.026Z

We are at the beginning of a year that will see the most influential black man of our time, take centre stage. The question I ask myself is how he propelled himself to the front of the queue when many of us are struggling to achieve the personal rewards that are assumed to be available to all in an affluent society?

Could it be that our efforts are not balanced that in addition to hard work, natural talent, ambition, academic achievement and spirituality there is another factor that we have not thus far taken into account on mass? Could it be that like Jesus’s disciples who were fishing all night and did not catch any fish that we need to cast our nets on another side of the boat, in order to turn individual achievements from being exceptions, to abundance for those who try, becoming the norm? Discussions that I have had with several people leading up to the New Year keeps touching on the concept of emotional intelligence.

Daniel Goleman gives an indication of what I mean by emotional intelligence. He identifies:-

Self-awareness — the ability to read one's emotions and recognize their impact while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

Self management - Controlling one's emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

Social awareness — the ability to sense, understand, and react to others' emotions while comprehending social networks.

Traditionally ‘we’ (peoples originating from Africa) give greater emphasis to academic achievement, hard work, the development of our talents and the status we would like to attain, than to considering the feelings and viewpoints of others. The truth is that we are the centre of our own worlds and no-one else’s. This is, I believe an important recognition to make if we are to develop a common understanding of how we can evolve the defensive mechanisms that have protected us for generations into an emotional awareness that will serve us in the 21st century.

Obama used this underlying principle to turn the tables on ‘near’ history. In his book the Audacity of Hope, he describes the mutual regard for others as being rooted in honesty, fairness, humility, kindness, courtesy and compassion. Obama is the President-elect because his message appealed across the board. Before we test any new skills sets in the outside world we perhaps need to begin by showing a mutual regard for ourselves and the people closest to us.

Stand up and be counted

Do you believe that developing emotional intelligence is a significant factor for sustained progress and if so, what are the key issues that the community needs to address?

This is the first of a series of blogs on emotional intelligence as it relates to peoples of African origin. The objective is to debate the issues in order to develop a community lead understanding of what it means and how we can apply it to our lives, so that by metaphorically casting our fishing nets on the other side of the boat, we can turn the tide. Don’t hold back, (you could deprive us of insight, a gem or a laugh), so share your thoughts and experiences even if you do it anonymously.

If you are in two minds about contributing, listen to this amazing speech on Dr Martin Luther King Junior by Gerra Gistrand, MLK Oratory Winner, and realise, yes you can.